I am a firm believer that Forgiveness frees us from past events, situations and relationships. In my opinion, hanging onto resentments and not being in a state of forgiveness is like drinking poison.
I also believe some forgiveness work requires taking it one step at a time and that you may need assistance from a professional to help you through this.
Our decision to forgive is a process. The first step is being willing and being gentle with ourselves as we go through the process. This is not something that you should rush through as we can get caught in the false forgiveness trap. We say we have forgiven them, however, if we run into them, any angst or uneasy feelings return. That is an indication of false forgiveness. True forgiveness is feeling that peace within ourselves. This does not negate what has happened nor saying what was done was right. Its’ about you finding that peaceful freedom so you can move forward in your life.
There may be someone who you just can’t ever seeing forgiving. Maybe it is not the right time in your life. If we can’t forgive someone at this time, and we feel that we ‘should’ maybe it is ourselves that needs the forgiving. Self-forgiveness is always harder than forgiving someone else.
If we can understand that the majority of people are doing the best they can with what they know, it is not an excuse but it can put things in perspective. The person who hurt us or behaved badly, must be in a lot of pain to act in the manner in which they did. This brings compassion into the picture. By stepping into that higher wiser part of us and stretching the canvas and seeing the big picture, we may have feelings of compassion for the individual. Not to get this mixed up with feeling sorry for them or pitying them. We then get an understanding of what we need to do for ourselves to move forward in our life.
Doing some breathwork before you do this is suggested. Some slow deep breaths to center yourself. After doing the forgiving remember the deep breathing as well to keep you calm and centered.
When I work with clients around forgiveness. I suggest using the mirror. Light a candle, grab a box of tissues and look yourself in the eyes and start talking to yourself. Think of all the things you want to forgive yourself for and keep going. It will be emotional, however, it is a great release and you will feel a lot lighter and freer.
When you are ready to forgive someone else, you can use the same method of the mirror as if they are standing there. This is an easier method and helps to clear up the energy you hold with this person. You can also write them a letter and then read it out loud and burn it. I would make sure you use words “ I wish you peace” or I wish you happiness and success” or “I wish you well” .
Take your time with this work. You will know what you can and cannot do. Its all about progress not perfection.
If you can’t love yourself, how are you expecting anyone to love you?
When I first heard that I had to think about it. Wow. It’s true. I then had to think of how I love myself and what I love myself for. I could easily think of what I do not love about me, as I was constantly telling myself that. Judging all the time. That little voice that says, “you didn’t do that right’ or ‘what did you do that for” which triggers our self confidence and our lack of self-love.
One thing I learnt about self- love is I had to do some inner work. I put pen to paper and wrote out ten things that I love about me. It can be physical, skills, attributes etc. Most of us think about physical and then we start on the judging again.
You are a beautiful being of light here on earth to expand love and kindness to mankind. You are here for a reason. How are you as a friend, what are you good at? How do you shine your light into the world? Answering these questions should give you an indication about your attributes.
I am sure you can come up with ten things and even more, so keep that list going. Whenever you feel down on yourself, look at your list.
I believe that mirror work is very powerful! Take that list and read it to yourself. I…. love you Deryn and I love that you have a big heart……………….. It may seem cheesy at first but keep doing it. This is an act of self- love. Acknowledging all that is wonderful about you. Again, if you can’t do it how are you expecting others to.
Another act of self- love is when others pay you a compliment, accept it and say thank you instead of saying ‘oh you must be mistaken, or ‘ do you really think so”?
Being honest with yourself in terms of what you want in life is an act of self- love. We can get caught up in believing we don’t deserve good things and that sets us up for settling or taking second best. NO! you deserve wonderful things in your life, it is now time for you to believe it and claim it.
Sel-f care is also an act of self- love. I know as a woman and mother, I put myself last on the totem pole many times to care for my family. I was always tired and started to lose myself. Yes, there were responsibilities, but I needed the time to recharge and take care of me. I then decided to book time with myself a few times a week, 10 mins there, half hour here and then it became a regular practice of ‘me time’. Things like making a cup of tea and just enjoying in the garden, a bubble bath, a walk or catch up with a friend for coffee. Believing we are deserving of self- care and the ‘me time’ was something I had to force myself to do and eventually it became a regular thing as I know I deserved it.
Self- love means holding your happiness and well being in high regard. Take the step today to honour and appreciate the being of light that you are.